


FEET

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-21
Updated: 2012-07-21
Packaged: 2017-11-10 10:03:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/465052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which we become acquainted with Jack's feet, among other things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In which we discover Jack has smelly feet- an alien with three legs but only two feet is found in Cardiff- we learn about SCUFF.

**Author's Note:**

> Another of my crack stories I am moving here so they are all in one place.

One day in June, Gwen Cooper finally admitted to herself that she fancied Captain Jack Harkness madly. For a while she had thought she was falling in love with him, but one day in June she suddenly realized that she didn't love him-----she just lusted after him. It had all started when he had taught her how to shoot and she had lusted after him ever since. So on this particular day in June she bounced into the Hub determined that she would have him at last and get all this fantasizing about him over with so she could get on with life with Rhys.

The first thing she noticed as she entered the building was the smell. The Hub was, actually, quite smelly all the time, but this smell was different, a sort of ripe sweaty smell. She couldn't identify it. Owen was standing by Tosh's desk and they seemed to be deep in conversation. Gwen cleared her throat noisily and they both looked over at her.

''What's that smell?'' she asked, as soon as she had their attention.

''It's Jack" said Owen.

"What?" Gwen exclaimed.

"He has sweaty feet" said Tosh.

"I've never smelled them before" said Gwen, puzzled.

"He normally has them covered" said Owen "at all times."

Gwen looked over toward Jack's office and was surprised to see that he had his feet, his bare feet, propped up on his desk. He had very large feet too. Ianto was sitting on the desk and she wondered how he could bear the smell. She took a deep breath and ventured into the office. The smell was stronger in the office. It did seem likely that it was Jack's feet and that Owen and Tosh were not joking.

"It's a quiet morning" Jack said cheerfully, seemingly unaware of his feet and the problem they were causing.

Gwen tried not to look at Jack's feet and failed. "You can buy stuff for that" she said before she could stop herself.

"Buy stuff for what?" Jack asked.

"Erm" Gwen muttered, flushing slightly " feet--er---you know--when they----er---- sweat a lot----and that--."

''I have fantastic feet" said Jack, looking indignant ''I can pick things up with them----I can even play the piano with them."

Gwen sighed. It was going to be another of THOSE days, she thought. When everything was weird for no accountable reason. "You have sweaty feet" she said loudly " you should try one of those deodorants--made for feet--."

Jack looked at his feet. Then he lifted the left one and proceed to start to pick some skin off the side. Gwen watched horrified as he dropped the skin on the floor beside his desk. Ianto seemed unconcerned. It was alarming. She left the office and went to her work station. She was just trying hard to forget about feet when Owen came over to her desk and dropped a large package on it.

"What is it?" she asked him quickly before he disappeared.

"How should I know?" Owen grunted " it's got your name on it. It's for you.''

Gwen opened the package carefully after assuring herself that it did not contain a bomb. Inside was a large shoe. It was oozing some green gunge out of the sides and top. It was a laced shoe so Gwen struggled and managed to untie the laces. Inside was a bare left foot. A bare moldy left foot. A bare moldy hairy left foot. Gwen screamed and jumped up out of her seat. Within seconds Owen, Tosh, Jack and Ianto arrived to see why she had screamed. They all looked at the foot.

"Oh this is fantastic" Jack exclaimed "a foot.''

''What's so great about a foot?'' asked Owen ''it's not even a fresh foot. I reckon it was cut off a least a week ago if not longer.''

''You can learn a lot from feet" said Jack.

"Like what for example?'' asked Gwen, trying to keep calm in the face of all this idiocy.

"Like the size of the creature whose foot it was" said Jack seriously ''it's a big foot, even bigger than mine and I take size 12. So it came from a male creature probably and a damn big one too. Also it was a civilized creature because of the shoe and he walked turning his feet in, you can tell by the way the shoe is worn down. Also the foot was cut off--it was a clean cut."

"Go on Sherlock'' said Owen.

"It wasn't human" said Jack, bending over the foot and sniffing it ''and it's been out in the woods, you can smell pine on the shoe."

"What makes you think it wasn't human?" asked Tosh, turning the shoe over carefully so they could all look at the bottom of it.

''Green hairs" said Jack, grinning "they're not green because they're rotten you know!"

''So" Ianto said slowly " we're looking for a very tall alien with only one foot who's covered in green hair. Shouldn't be too hard to find."

''Cardiff's full of aliens right now though'' said Jack ''there's a Sci-Fi convention.''

"Most of them will probably have two feet though" said Gwen.

''Good point" Jack replied, beaming a wide smile at her "come on team, let's go and hunt alien.''

''First put on your socks and boots, Jack" said Ianto.

Jack rushed to his office with Ianto close behind. "It always happens'' Jack complained as he put his socks and boots on his feet "whenever I get settled for a happy pick and scrape, an alien turns up and spoils it.''

''Your feet are inclined to be a bit whiffy though, Jack" Ianto said, as they left the office.

''My feet'' Jack said firmly ''are a man's feet. Large, strong------"

"Smelly" interrupted Ianto.

''I was going to say earthy" Jack responded.

''Oh is that what they call it in the 51st Century?" Ianto laughed.

They had just gotten into the SUV when a message arrived from the the Police saying they had arrested a strange man in the Town Center. He was limping and generally behaving oddly and then he tried to rob a passing pensioner, who hit him in the balls with a large bag of potatoes, knocked him down and was just going through his pockets when the Police arrived and arrested them both.

The Pensioner turned out to be a feisty old lady with a mass of dyed red hair. She was sitting in one of the station interview rooms knitting, when Jack and Ianto went in to talk to her.

''Hello, dears'' she greeted them cheerfully ''more Interviews. I'm going to be famous soon you know. I'm going to be in the news. I'm part of a new movement.''

''A new movement?" Jack queried.

''Yes, dear'' she replied, still knitting ''it's called Senior Citizens Fighting Force. SCUFF for short. We don't stand for it , you see. We don't stand for it. Hit 'em where it hurts. Right there, you know.''

"You were searching his pockets" Ianto pointed out.

She was indignant. "I'm a pensioner" she snapped "I thought he might have some cash."

''Had you ever seen him before?" Jack asked.

"Oh no, dear" she paused in her knitting for a moment, and then went on faster than before ''I think he's one of them, you know. One of them Science people. They're everywhere just now."

"Oh" said Jack, trying not to become mesmerized by the old lady's knitting "alright then."

He and Ianto stood up and were just about to leave when the old lady looked at them and said "he had three you know"

"Three what?" asked Jack from the doorway.

''I knew he was one of them" said the old lady " he was dressed normal but he had three legs. When I was young we had a rabbit like that. My Dad drowned it. it did make me cry though, and fancy having to have three trouser legs made all the time. Phew."

Once outside Jack and Ianto looked at each other, leaned on the wall and started to laugh. "When I was young we had a rabbit like that" said Jack.

"My Dad drowned it" added Ianto "I wonder if it had green fur?"

"It probably did once it was drowned" said Jack.

''That's not really funny" said Ianto.

"Why are you laughing then?" asked Jack. He straighted up and after a moment said "I wonder how Owen and Gwen are doing with our three legged alien?"

"WE should have seen him" Ianto complained.

"I thought Owen would enjoy it" Jack grinned " and after those remarks about my feet I thought Gwen ought to experience REALLY stinky feet."

Ianto grinned. "You are wicked" he said.

"I know" Jack agreed.


	2. Will Gwen still lust after Jack now she knows about his feet?-Will the alien grow another foot?-What do you do with an alien foot anyhow?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Henry, just an average alien.

Back in the Hub, the alien was soon incarcerated in a cell. He was, as predicted by Jack, very tall, and he did have three legs. One was shorter than the others, being footless. This leg was very neatly bandaged. The alien was wearing a smart blue suit and, apart from the legs and the green hair, looked quite human. He sat in the cell and gazed at Jack seriously, looking sad.

''I really hate this Planet" the alien said to Jack with a deep sigh, "I'd only just arrived when I had to cut off my foot. It's AGES since I had to do that. It made me very angry."

''You HAD to cut off your foot?" Jack responded.

''Do you always talk like that?" said the alien "of course I HAD to cut it off. Don't you ever have to cut off yours?"

"No" Jack replied.

"What a weird Planet this is" said the alien " what do you do when the new one grows then?"

"We don't grow new feet" Jack explained.

"Well, I wasn't due to grow a new one for AGES" said the alien "but the terrible atmosphere and the pollution affected my metabolism. I noticed right away that a new one was starting. So I had to cut off the old one quickly. Then, it bled everywhere----it NEVER does that at home. I had to find a physician.''

''What happened to him?" Jack asked "what did you do to him?"

"I didn't do anything to him?" the alien was indignant "I just gave him a Pill. He forgot everything instantly. We call it The Forgetting.''

Jack felt suddenly quite fond of this strange being. "We have that too" he said " we call it Retcon though."

"You aren't totally uncivilized then" said the alien "by the way, I'm called Henry.''

"I'm Jack'' said Jack, wondering how an alien ended up being called Henry. Henry evidently had similar thoughts.

"That's a common name where I come from" he said "so, what do you do if you loose a foot, or a hand or something?"

"You can have an artificial one made" Jack said "otherwise you just go without."

"Ugh" said Henry "I think our way is much better."

"Why were you trying to rob a pensioner?" Jack asked, trying to forget about feet for a moment and get onto matters more important.

"I WAS NOT TRYING TO ROB HER" shouted Henry, angrily " I just held her arm for a moment because she looked so terrible I thought she was dying."

"She's just old" said Jack "and she seemed quite fit to me."

"It was the hair" said Henry, shuddering "when our people are about to die------their hair turns----red like that----I thought she was dying."

"It's dyed" Jack explained.

"Pardon?" said Henry very politely.

"She's colored it that color herself " said Jack.

"Oh I want to go home" Henry moaned "this is a terrible place. People making their hair red on purpose----oh ---my----."

"Would you like something to eat?" Jack asked, trying to change the subject "I think you can come out of there too. It's better upstairs."

"Do you have any green food?" Henry asked, as he and Jack made their way up to where the rest of the team were working.

''I'm sure Ianto can find some" said Jack.

They all sat and watched Henry as he devoured a large plateful of green beans and garden peas, washed down with Lime Juice. "Evidently, they only eat and drink green things" Jack sighed, as they watched Henry eat. They had had pizza. It wasn't green, or at least it was only a little bit green as it had olives on the top. Jack picked his olives off and gave them to Ianto, who loved olives. Gwen and Tosh ate their own olives. Owen picked his off as well. Ianto ate Owen's olives too, which irritated Jack just a bit.

"I'm not really fond of green food myself" said Owen, as Henry finished his meal with evident enjoyment.

"What about vegetables?" asked Tosh.

''Not all vegetables are green" Owen said "in fact, most of them aren't, are they?''

"When I was growing up we didn't have many vegetables" Jack informed them "and what we did have were polluted and they weren't anything like the vegetables you have here anyhow."

''What were they like then?" asked Gwen.

"I don't like to think about them" Jack sighed, and proceeded to do just that "we had orange potatoes for a start and you could get something like a cabbage too only it was pink," he explained " and you could buy blue things a bit like Brussels sprouts. They were disgusting."

"Ugh!" Owen exclaimed.

"I want to go home" Henry informed them suddenly " and I don't care what color your vegetables are or were if they weren't green."

''Let me look at your foot first" said Owen "anyway, how are you going to get home? Didn't you come through The Rift?"

Henry stood up and looked at Owen with a puzzled expression. "I have no idea what you're talking about" he said " I came in Pegasus 11."

''What's Pegasus 11?'' asked Gwen.

''It's my ship of course" Henry told her "it's moored to that big building not far from here. I turned on the Filter though so you wont be able to see it. I thought that would be best."

"You can go then" said Jack calmly, putting both his feet up on the table and starting to remove his boots "we wont stop you."

Henry, Tosh, Gwen, Owen and Ianto looked at him with surprise. "Jack" Ianto said slowly " what are you doing?"

Jack dropped his boots onto the floor and proceeded to remove his socks. Tosh held her nose. Gwen said "not again" and left the room. She was disappointed in Jack. Why, she thought, should such a gorgeous male specimen have smelly feet? She started to daydream about Rhys. Maybe, she thought, he wasn't the best looking man in the world, but he did have great feet. Owen looked at Jack and snarled "ever heard of soap, Jack?" Henry gave a loud sigh and muttered "the sooner I leave this planet the happier I shall be." Ianto said nothing at all. He was quite familiar with Jack's feet and knew that he had to wear cotton socks. Then the problem disappeared.

Jack gazed at the bottom of his left foot with the air of someone quite unfamiliar with feet in general. "I have a rash" he said ''I wondered why my feet were so itchy and sore.'' He examined the right foot as well and tutted loudly.

''You're wearing the wrong socks" said Ianto.

"They're grey" Jack answered, scratching his feet busily "you told me to put on the grey ones.''

"The grey cotton ones" said Ianto "you must be wearing my socks. My grey socks with the nylon-wool mixture."

"I thought these were them" mumbled Jack, still scratching his feet noisily.

"You know what wool does to you'' Ianto complained "I would have thought you could recognize wool by now."

''I PICKED UP THE SOCKS THAT WERE THERE!" Jack shouted "IT ISN'T MY FAULT THEY WERE THE WRONG SOCKS----YOU MUST BE WEARING MINE---WHEN WE GOT UP THESE WERE THE ONLY SOCKS I COULD SEE SO I PUT THEM ON.''

''Ever heard of opening a drawer?" Ianto snapped in reply.

"YOU SAID PUT ON THE GREY SOCKS'' Jack yelled '' SO I DID--AND THESE ARE THEM."

''I'M GOING NOW, SO FAREWELL,'' shouted Henry above the noise of Jack and Ianto arguing about socks ''I CAN'T SAY IN ALL HONESTY IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE BECAUSE IT HASN'T.'' Jack and Ianto didn't notice Henry leaving, they were too busy arguing.

Downstairs in the Medical Lab Owen, Gwen and Tosh had taken refuge from Jack's feet. They could hear him shouting, even down there. Henry's discarded foot lay, still in its shoe, on the autopsy table. They all stared at it.

"What are you going to do with that foot then?" Tosh asked at last.

''I thought I'd cut it up, take samples" said Owen "that type of thing. It should be interesting.''

"Yuck" Gwen grunted "I think I'll go home. Rhys'll be there by now." She somehow didn't lust after Jack any more. His feet had put her off. She longed to get home and sniff Rhys's feet. Maybe she'd suck them a bit. She drifted away thinking of all the things you could do with feet. Feet that didn't sweat or smell.

"I think I'll go home too" said Tosh "I have a date.''

Owen looked up just in time to see Tosh leaving his presence. "A DATE?" he shouted "WHO WITH?"

Tosh didn't answer. She grinned to herself as she heard Owen yell though. He wasn't ever going to know the date was with her brother. She hoped he was jealous.

Jack and Ianto finally realized that Henry was nowhere in sight. "He must have gone home" Jack sighed ''I should have asked him more about his feet before he left."

"Let's go downstairs" said Ianto, ignoring the comment about Henry "and I'll find that cream you had for your feet last time you wore my socks.''


	3. Will Ianto be able to solve the problem of Jack's feet and stay the night?---what does Jack keep in the box under his desk?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything ends up happily and Jack gets sent a present.

Jack sat on his bed while Ianto applied a thick layer of Pink colored cream all over his feet. The cream smelled quite a bit. The smell of the cream mingled happily with the smell of Jack's feet, resulting in an aroma that had to be smelled to be believed. It was the sort of smell you could easily imagine had arisen from the evacuations of some rare and very sick animal. Ianto had smelled it before. More than once. He didn't even flinch as he applied the cream. Finally, he sat back and regarded his handiwork with an expression of pride.

''There" he said " all done. Now I'll find those long socks I bought you last time when you had bad feet."

''They're under my desk upstairs" Jack said.

"Why are they there?" asked Ianto. He wasn't surprised, he really did want to know.

''There's a box under there" Jack mumbled. He was trying to remove his clothing without getting off the bed and having to stand on his creamed feet. It wasn't easy.

Ianto went up to Jack's office and looked under the desk and sure enough there was a box. It had Walker's Crisps printed on the side. Ianto lifted it onto Jack's desk and opened it. The inside of the box smelled of salt and vinegar. Ianto investigated the contents and found the socks. He also found one moldy half eaten donut, one left glove with holes in the finger tips, one match box containing what appeared to be black pubic hair, a lot of nail clippings, a photo of himself, a photo of Myfanwy with shit written across it in red ink, an apple with a label on it saying Grannie Smith, two Mars Bars, a carton of orange Juice and a large jar of Vaseline. He removed the socks, threw away the donut and then put the box back under the desk.

Upstairs, Jack had succeeded in removing his clothing and was waiting for Ianto completely naked, except for the creamy feet, of course. Ianto gave him the socks without a word. Jack put them on. Ianto started to leave.

"Where are you going?" asked Jack in a petulant tone.

"Home" said Ianto "I'm not sleeping with you with your feet in that condition."

"I wasn't planning on sleeping much" Jack said, smiling in what he clearly hoped was an encouraging manner.

"Who does that hair belong to?" asked Ianto, coming back to Jack's bed and sitting carefully on the edge of it, well away from Jack and his feet. He was a bit tired of feet.

"What hair?" asked Jack, casually.

"In the match box" Ianto sighed.

''Oh that---" Jack said, and actually blushed.

"Well----" Ianto persisted.

''It's yours" Jack said, looking at the ceiling and then at the nearest wall.

''I don't remember you ever cutting off any of my hair" snapped Ianto.

''You were asleep" Jack muttered.

"Why did you want some of my hair?" Ianto asked "and THAT hair too."

''It's--er----" Jack was becoming quite incoherent with embarrassment. It was an unusual sight. ''Well--erm--" he continued "It's sort of -----kind of-----er-----that's what I do-----I keep a bit of hair of ----erm----everyone that I-----that I love------."

"What wrong with head hair?" Ianto asked quietly, moving closer to Jack and putting a hand on his shoulder.

''I like that hair" Jack mumbled "you have to cut it off after you've---er-----fucked--you know----erm---so it's----well---has an aroma--so to speak."

Ianto laughed and put his arms right around Jack. "I don't know whether to kiss you or get mad" he said "you are so weird."

At that somewhat inopportune moment there was a loud yell of excitement from somewhere above them and the next moment Owen came rushing down the ladder and landed with a thump on top of both Jack and Ianto. He jumped off them and stood there, his eyes bright with happiness. "GUESS WHAT" he shouted at them "come and see--it's fantastic--you wont believe what's happening."

Ianto groaned and stood up. Jack grabbed at his shirt and struggled to put it back on over his bare skin. Owen did not even seem to notice Jack's nakedness he was so excited about whatever he had discovered.

Several minutes later they stood looking at the foot as it lay on the autopsy Table. Owen had removed it from the shoe. The smell was so terrible it made Jack's feet seem fragrant in comparison. The foot was no longer just a foot however. It had a small, but unmistakable something growing on the side.

''Look at that!" exclaimed Owen in ecstasy ''a baby foot. Our foot is growing a baby foot. We'll soon have two feet instead of one. Isn't that wonderful. Now if only I can find out exactly how it develops and---" He droned on and on and on.

Ianto and Jack abandoned him with the foot--or rather --feet. Jack removed his clothing again. Ianto stripped rapidly. They squashed together in the bed and almost right away they were both fast asleep. They both dreamed about feet. Ianto dreamed he was applying cream to hundreds of anonymous feet. Jack dreamed he had won first prize in a beautiful foot competition.

Owen went home but returned very early to see what had happened to his feet. Both of them had gone. When everyone else came in and Ianto and Jack had emerged from Jack's hole they all looked for the feet. Finally, Gwen found a note pinned to the side of her desk. It read:

Thank you for the feet. Best wishes--Henry. P.S. Look in the refrigerator.

They dutifully looked. It was full of green beans, garden peas and Lime juice. At the back of all the green beans was a small container. Owen grabbed it and held it up for everyone to see. It contained two very tiny pinkish colored feet. On the side was a label. It read:

For Jack. New feet.-----Henry.

Jack beamed a wide smile at everyone. "Isn't that sweet?" he said.

They all groaned.

 

THE END.


End file.
